Like Leonard Cohen
My love hid in the basement.
It sat, content, only shifting uneasily when I came to feed it or do laundry.
You had to see it, didn’t you?
It’s photophobic, I cried.
But determined and resolved,
you cracked me open like Leonard Cohen,
and that’s how
the light
got in.
I like where this one is going but I don’t think it’s quite there yet. Any suggestions?
Personification! Nice concept!
Merci. I was inspired when I was doing laundry this morning.
Otay… I like where it is going, too. But here’s what I think. It needs to be rearranged a bit.
The opening line, a real grabber, should be “My love is photophobic”, then you can complain about the one who had to see said love, then describe said love. I love the line ‘cracked me open like Leonard Cohen’, but I think the light shining in is too cliched and does not do the previous stuff justice.
I confess I’m not sure why it would shift uneasily when you feed it AND when you do laundry, although I love the idea of love shifting uneasily. Does it become uneasy when its nurtured? When the narrator commits acts of domesticity?
As always Jessica, you have given me some wonderful feedback. Back to work!
I like it!
Thanks William.
This is amazing! You had me at the Leonard Cohen reference. I <3 it!
Jessica, very insightful comments. I like changing the opening line like that.
Thanks Kourtney, I love Leonard Cohen.
I have just come from reading a blog, http://boredbutnotbroken.tao.ca/. She is writing from max security and speaks so often about doors, cell doors, and waiting to get out. It sure does put an interesting point of view.
Yes, I can imagine it does. Very interesting.
Very interesting post. Picture adds to the mystery
Thanks. I think it needs some reworking but it’s getting there.
You had me thinking a zombie was in hiding. Perhaps your husband?
I never thought of it that way. I don’t know what he’d think of that though.
AMAZING…
Thank you very much.
May I echo others here too? Thinking about feeding love and pausing beside it to do the laundry. Like your premise of blogging in 1,000 words or less with fascinating photos. Thanks for stopping by my blog and Lake Superior’s shore.
Hi Kathy, the photos I’m using are all from my neighbourhood in Toronto. I do also have some spectacular pictures of Lake Superior sunsets which I might have to use for another project.
Please let me know when/if you do! I don’t want to miss them.
Yes I will.
I like a narrative, even in poetry, so I wouldn’t change the order if lines. For me the pivotal line is “You had to see it, didn’t you?” – nicely ambiguous, setting some tension.
Thanks for visiting my place. Peace, –D
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate the feedback.
Pingback: Photophobia « Postcard Fiction