Suspended (Revised)

Thanks to feedback about Suspended I have reposted a revised version.  As was pointed out to me (thanks Jessica!) I went overboard with the sentimentality and went one sentence too far (not the first time). Incorporating her suggestions, I think the following version is better in its minimalism.

Suspended

Inseparable.

Two peas in a pod.

The loss of one leaves the other hanging.

Alone.

Silent but not tranquil.

Motionless but not at rest.

Still.

Stranded.

Suspended.

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4 comments
  1. Jessica said:

    Yep yep yep. And the minimalist approach also reflects the stark quality of the photograph. Voila. And don’t apologise for poetry… all good writing IS poetry, even if it’s a novel.

  2. Definitely the revised version. It gave me chills actually — I always love how endings round out to beginnings.

    The one sentence too far thing made me think of something similar. A lot of times when I’m beginning an article or anything really that is not just rambling, I go back and delete the very first sentence and begin with the second. Most of the time it makes a big difference.

    • I agree with you. Actually, it can go even farther than that, like first paragraph/chapter/half of a novel. Sometimes you don’t get to the good stuff until you’ve written a bit, so my advice – don’t be afraid to cut!

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