Waiting for You

My veil of secrecy protects me like a leafless vine in winter.  The conspiracy of silence is almost deafening.  I lean against the wounds piled up between us, hoping for protection, hoping to hide.

I breathe quietly, waiting for you to arrive like Jack Nicholson.

Honey, I’m home.

**********

Flash Friday FIctioneers is brought to you by Madison Woods.  Her story and links to the many other fictioneers can be found here.

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59 comments
    • Janet said:

      Thank you for commenting and dropping by.

      • You are very welcome. The pleasure was all mine.

  1. Jessica said:

    LOVELY. Frightening. I find the last sentence a bit of a problem, though, as it’s been so over-used. I’ll give it a think.

    • Janet said:

      You know me by now! I deleted the last sentence, then added it, then deleted it, then added it….

      • Lol. I have so been there, before, in the writing process. Doing tht, now, with my romance novel and m other poetry book (the editing process. Ugh. Lol).

    • Janet said:

      Thank you – does it sound wrong to say I’m glad it gave you the shivers?

      • Jeannie said:

        Not at all! LOL That’s what a writer hopes, right? To convey the feeling…you did it! xoxo

        • I agree. It is always good when writers have conveyed, well, the emotion(s) they were intending to convey in the first place.

          • Janet said:

            That’s a good point, even when the emotions are dark ( or maybe I should say especially when the emotions are dark). I wonder what’s easier to convey, happiness or tragedy?

          • Ty (Thank you), hon. It seems for me-a poet-that it is tragedy that seems more easy to exporess/portray, and that it has always been-at least for me, anyway- easier to express/portray tragedy or sad events/happenings/occurrances I’ve seen, witnessed, and/or experienced.

          • But, I have also noticed that it seems for other poets and writers in my poetry groups on other sites that it is easier for them to express/portray tragedy, too and that they gravitate towards needing to express tragedy more than to express happiness. And so, whether it is easier of the writing process to express it or not, they purposely do so of expressing tragedy anyway, of the need to do so cus they find it mentally easier to express that emotion or happening than of a happier one. I have also found that readers tend to gravitate towards reading tragic things/subjects than hapier subjects, especially of fiction types or of poetry.

          • Jeannie said:

            a good writer engages the senses and pulls the reader in; that you have done 🙂

          • True abouyt good writers. I have done so? Thank you. 🙂 Glad I have done so. 🙂

  2. Sandra said:

    I didn’t mind the last sentence; it has value as a contrast I thought. But I’d skip the name Jack Nicholson and let the reader infer it for themselves. Just a thought. Liked the idea of ‘leaning against the wounds piled up between us’. Good work.

    • Karen said:

      I kinda liked the Jack Nicholson reference, because it got me thinking (for a split second) “Oooo, which one? ‘Bucket List’? ‘As Good As It Gets’? ‘About Schmidt’?” then I read the last line and thought…”Oh yah, THAT one.” (*shudder*)

    • Janet said:

      thanks Sandra. The bricks gave me the visual inspiration for that sentence.

    • Russell said:

      Wasn’t Jack’s character named Johnny? I like the poetic feeling of this prose. An interesting twist on the prompt.

      here’s mine http://russellgayer.blogspot.com/

    • Janet said:

      I see what you mean about the dark comedic turn. I’ll have to think about that. It’s not what I intended but at the same time I don’t mind it. Hmmmm.

      • niiko47 said:

        Ah, apologies if I took it the wrong way. Looks like I do have a twisted sense of humour, ha ha!

        • Janet said:

          I don’t think you are alone 🙂

  3. EmmaMc said:

    I agree with the comment above. Very eerie and sad. Again, the last line does turn it into a dark comedy. I enjoyed this, good job.

    • Janet said:

      Like I replied to niiko47, I didn’t intend for it to be a dark commendy, but I can see it working as such. Thanks for coming by.

  4. I am so drawn to your writing. it gives me chills.

  5. Dear Janet,

    I thought your story an escape from the dark tales evoked by Madison’s prompt this week, but then read again, and wondered if it were not the darkest of all. Very well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • Janet said:

      i hope Jack Nicholson was able to conjure up the right image for you. He’s so good at being creepy.

  6. Judee said:

    “I lean against the wounds piled up between us” – great line. This is sad and tragic.

    • Janet said:

      thank you, I guess it does really make the last line stand out (I never really thought of that).

  7. Rich with symbolism. I like the idea of hiding behind a leafless vine – which is not even hiding at all. Whatever she is trying to avoid – his rage, perhaps (?) – she feels she is not protected in the least. Very well illustrated.

    ~Susan (Here’s mine: http://www.susanwenzel.com/)

    • Janet said:

      Thanks Susan, I saw the vine in the photo when I enlarged it and it was the inspiration for the entire piece.

  8. Mm. Those last to lines are just so poignant — perfectly calibrated. Love it.

  9. TheOthers1 said:

    I got nervous when I saw Jack Nicholson. The Shining immediately came to mind and red rum. Nicely done.

    • Janet said:

      That’s exactly what I was hoping. great!

    • Janet said:

      I’m glad you liked it . Thanks for coming by.

  10. Maybe she should seek counseling. I’m sure that’s what Dr. Phil would advise. Using the Jack Nicholson reference was brilliiant. Some beautiful, lyrical writing at the start and middle. Very good story!
    Thanks for reading and commenting on my story.

    • Janet said:

      Thank you. You’re definately right about Dr. Phil.

  11. Have to admit that I didn’t entirely grasp this – I lost the flow somewhere perhaps. I think she’s waiting for him to return home to take revenge or some self-defence, but couldn’t tell who the ‘like Jack Nicholson’ part refers to, and wasn’t sure if it meant him or her. Sorry, but this confused me.

    However, reall liked the imagery in the first paragraph, the ‘leafless vine in winter’ especially.

    http://joannakneilson.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/flash-fiction-friday-cellar-wall/

    • Janet said:

      Basically, the piece has to do with fear and domestic violence, where the woman has nowhere to hide. The whole in the wall in the photo had me think of the scene in The Shining where JN puts his head through the door. (hope this helps) Thanks for coming by.

  12. Love it. I liked the Jack Nicholson bit but wasn’t sure what the reference was to, except that JN is generally wicked, if that means anything!

    • Janet said:

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it. (I had in my mind the scene from the Shining where JN’s head bursts through the door).

  13. Madison Woods said:

    Enjoyed your very short story and found it left me with a sense of unease even though you didn’t really say anything to cause it until the very last line. I liked the reference and felt like it clinched the act. The only problem with using it is that it expires when those of us who know what it means are replaced by those who don’t, lol.

    • Janet said:

      Yes, you’re right. I think the film came out in 1980!

  14. A powerful, almost stream-of-consciousness representation of someone living in fear. There’s almost a poetic feel to the opening lines, alluding to a sensitive soul, one who yearns to be elsewhere, maybe. A dreamer? The Shining reference works really well in making the narrator feel like a ‘real’ person; we all make pop culture references to illustrate points, why should our characters be any different?
    I’m sorry for the delay in reading and feeding back; I’m playing catch up 🙂

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